Flawless

Ahh where do I even start .. dec 22nd was the day, I woke up feeling weird and tired and just overall agitated plus didn’t feel my baby move. ⁠

We went to a friends kids birthday party and as much as I didn’t feel like going cause of how I was feeling, I told myself it’s ok and to power through as these would be some of our last memories and moments with Amaaya as a only child before we bring a baby into the world. ⁠

I wanted to cherish each moment with Amaaya no matter what! when we came back home I was so tired, I told Sunny (my partner) I needed a nap. I slept for a good 2 hours and when I woke up I felt the same plus absolutely no movement from baby.⁠

At first I didn’t think much of it as I had a ultrasound and OB visit just days prior and everything was looking perfect – absolutely no concerns! But something in my head was telling me that something doesn’t feel right. On the other hand I also kept telling myself baby is probably just sleeping or she’s getting big and there’s less room to move around in there.⁠

At around 7:00pm we had just finished dinner at my mom’s house and I still hadn’t felt any movement and at this point, I told Sunny that we need to go get checked out just to make sure. I kept saying “I’m sure everything is fine but I just want that assurance.”⁠

When we got to labour and delivery the triage nurse checked for the baby’s heartbeat via the Doppler and couldn’t find it.⁠

She said it’s ok we will check with the NST machine. When they took me into the room and hooked me up to that machine they still couldn’t find a heartbeat- this was the moment my mind started thinking the worst. Sunny and I started panicking at this point cause it was so unusual for them not to pick up a heartbeat as this baby was always active.⁠

Next, they said they would bring in a bedside ultrasound.. did that and again no heartbeat.. they then said “these machines aren’t the greatest so we will call an ultrasound tech with the bigger machine” we waited quietly in the room and in a way I knew this was going to end badly. ⁠

I didn’t even think what was coming next, that I would have to make some hard hard decisions… plan my baby Savayra’s Funeral.

I should’ve been planning a welcome home party and here I was having to plan her funeral. Thankfully my brother and sister helped us through this process and we were able to plan a beautiful intimate funeral for our precious angel.

In our culture, the day prior to the funeral we do a ceremonial bath. Sunny, my mom, sister, and I went to the funeral home on Friday, December 27th (her actual due date) and got her ready and gave her a bath for the viewing and funeral the following day. It was the hardest thing we did as parents.

Seeing our child, lay lifeless on the table was the most shattering moment in our lives. I was so scared to dress her and give her a bath that I asked my mom to please please help me cause I can’t do this.

The doctor came in to talk to us and said that they have no medical reason as to why this happened. The baby and I were healthy, nothing medically was wrong. The doctor said once we deliver the baby we may get more answers.

The next morning we were taken in for our c section and once Savayra was delivered, we found out that her cord was wrapped around her neck 2 times!

There was absolutely nothing I could’ve done or the doctors to change that outcome.

My whole pregnancy was flawless! The baby was hitting all her milestones, growing well. I was also healthier than my pregnancy with Amaaya.

Savayra weighed 7 lbs and 11 oz. she was so beautiful and perfect! The 2 days we spent with her in the hospital were so bittersweet, I’m glad I got to see her, hold her, take pictures with her and all that – but on the other hand, my heart was breaking more and more each hour as reality was sinking in that I would be going home with a memory box instead of my baby.

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