As a teacher with a December birthday, I would’ve loved nothing more than to have a summer baby. When I discovered I was pregnant in November 2018, I was so excited about our July due date: a summer baby, just like I always wanted.
We planned to tell our family at Christmas, tell our friends during the New Year…life was wonderful & we couldn’t have planned it any better.
Fast forward a month later…none of those things came true. We spent my birthday in the hospital running tests because I worried about the amount of spotting I had seen the weekend before, when medical professionals treated me like an overly anxious first-time mom. How right I was to go because by that afternoon we knew: there was no heartbeat, our baby had died. I was told to go home, to take it easy – but it was my birthday, & the last thing I wanted was to sit in the silence of my home.
I ended up labouring in a restaurant bathroom (I didn’t know that labour would still be involved before the 12-week mark!) & my husband rushed us home to have me deliver in our bathroom, amidst the screaming & the sorrow. We didn’t know we’d have to make the painful decision of flushing our baby down the toilet or throwing his remains into the garbage, a decision that haunted us for months after our loss. We didn’t even have a name yet, we didn’t know if he was a boy or a girl, we just knew that we had him for a few weeks & now he was gone.
Healing afterwards took a long time- heartache, tears, therapy, grief. I channeled my pain into creating cards for my past self, the words of comfort I wish someone gave to me, & To Logan with Love was born.
Almost 2 years later, we still miss Logan every day (the name we chose posthumously. In our hearts know he was our little boy & who will counter us otherwise?) but we are determined to give his life purpose, no matter how short his time was on this earth.
And that summer birthday? We still celebrate in our small way – & sometimes a warm breeze passes & Logan says ‘Hello’.
Thank you @tologanwithlove for #sharingmystoryofloss with us 💜