I had no idea 12 years ago that I would have a pregnancy loss story. I have three daughters.
Emelina passed away at 38 weeks due to a true knot in combination with her cord wrapped around her neck 4 times. I didn’t want to live when she died. I didn’t want to love, I didn’t want to suffer. I wanted to be “NORMAL”. I was angry at life. I was angry at anyone who had not suffered. I was not me and that was hard. It rocked my world. Her passing left me a shell.
She should be here living with us. She instead is in an urn in our living room. The daughter we know nothing about: her likes, her dislikes or who she should be. She had eye color. She will always be a newborn in my eyes. This child was planned, celebrated and wanted, she died. And overnight I changed. I struggled to get out of bed, I did not want to be around anyone. I was reminded daily how badly I failed, how badly my body failed me…
I was a career woman; I was passionate about my work and spent years working to almost achieve my goal. I lost my passion for it. I tried to find it again, a new city, new role… none of it worked. Until I could find a space that I could be the “ new” me, the one that allowed me to have moments of sadness and moments of joy. Where instead of feeling alone I felt heard, held and understood the first time in years. Changing the narrative, the support options and the silence around pregnancy and infant loss is how I parent this child I will never know.
Pregnancy loss changed my life in all ways. I am a grieving mother and the Co-Founder of the Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Centre so no one feels alone.
Emelina Danyelle Kaluski
February 21, 2012