{"id":5512,"date":"2020-11-24T19:41:40","date_gmt":"2020-11-24T19:41:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wordpress-558576-1797545.cloudwaysapps.com\/?post_type=story&#038;p=5512"},"modified":"2020-11-24T22:01:59","modified_gmt":"2020-11-24T22:01:59","slug":"with-pride","status":"publish","type":"story","link":"https:\/\/pilsc.org\/stories\/stories-of-loss\/with-pride\/","title":{"rendered":"With Pride"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>In the summer of 2014, I miscarried on my first round of IVF. I was trying to carry my first baby, my first surrogacy, my first pregnancy. I was so excited to be pregnant, to know that a tiny life was growing inside me, to birth a baby. To be a (non-parenting) Mama. I was so excited to give my Intended parents their baby, my first biological child.\u2060<br \/>\n\u2060<br \/>\nAnd during NYC pride, I lost the Baby.\u2060<br \/>\n\u2060<br \/>\nIt was ironic to be in a city full of celebration while I was sobbing on the phone to my doctor. I ended up almost completely alone, my friends in NYC not understanding the magnitude of my miscarriage. There were parades to attend, lovers to see, parties to enjoy. I said I was okay. I said it was no big deal.\u2060<br \/>\n\u2060<br \/>\nI lied. To my friends and most especially to myself. I wasn&#8217;t ok. It was a big deal. I lost the baby. I wasn&#8217;t okay. \u2060<br \/>\n\u2060<br \/>\nThe doctor on call said to wait and see if it was just breakthrough bleeding. We could do blood work and an ultrasound on Monday. But I knew. As I bled and bled, as cramps hit me in waves, I knew. That baby was gone. The cramps didn&#8217;t hurt compared to what my heart felt. I hated every bit of my body. It had betrayed me. I was broken. I was a failure. Guilt. Shame. Profound, sickening grief. Our baby was gone.\u2060<br \/>\n\u2060<br \/>\nEvery year around pride, I remember a little bit less of the details&#8230; but the feelings never totally go away. The grief for the little one we will never know hurts less, but isn&#8217;t gone. I love my sons so very much and I am tremendously grateful for them. And also, I will always have that piece in me that feels what it was like to lose a baby&#8230;.\u2060<br \/>\n\u2060<br \/>\nI want people to know: miscarriage is NOT rare\u2060<br \/>\n\u2060<br \/>\nIVF is not fail-proof\u2060<br \/>\n\u2060<br \/>\nIt&#8217;s okay to talk about that(In fact I will hold space for your story if you want to tell it)\u2060<br \/>\n\u2060<br \/>\nYou aren&#8217;t broken \u2060<br \/>\n\u2060<br \/>\nThis is not a cosmic sign you shouldn&#8217;t be a parent, you are enough. You are worthy\u2060<br \/>\n\u2060<br \/>\nIt&#8217;s okay if you never &#8220;get over it&#8221;\u2060<br \/>\n\u2060<br \/>\nIt&#8217;s okay if you decide never to try again\u2060<br \/>\n\u2060<br \/>\nIt&#8217;s okay if you decide to try again- you are loved. You are so Loved&#8230;.\u2060<br \/>\n\u2060<br \/>\nThank you\u00a0<a class=\"notranslate\" tabindex=\"0\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/birthwithpride\/\">@birthwithpride<\/a>\u00a0for\u00a0<a class=\" xil3i\" tabindex=\"0\" href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/explore\/tags\/sharingmystoryofloss\/\">#sharingmystoryofloss<\/a>\u00a0with us \u2060<\/p>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":5513,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"passster_activate_protection":false,"passster_protect_child_pages":"","passster_protection_type":"password","passster_password":"","passster_activate_overwrite_defaults":"","passster_headline":"","passster_instruction":"","passster_placeholder":"","passster_button":"","passster_id":"","passster_activate_misc_settings":"","passster_redirect_url":"","passster_hide":"no","passster_area_shortcode":"","site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"default","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"default","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v22.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>With Pride - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Centre<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/pilsc.org\/stories\/stories-of-loss\/with-pride\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"With Pride - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Centre\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"In the summer of 2014, I miscarried on my first round of IVF. 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