The Spare Bedroom

On October 17th, 2019 after 10 months of trying, I finally saw that positive pregnancy test. I shared the news with my husband and recorded his reaction. Like most couples, we were excited but didn’t want to get too excited and we were nervous but understood that we were trying for this moment for a while.⁠

That afternoon I called my OB office to share my positive pregnancy test news, they congratulated me, asked me when the first day of my cycle was, confirming I would be roughly 4 weeks pregnant and asked that I come into the office for my first ultrasound in 2 weeks.⁠

Within those two weeks before my first ultrasound, I shared the news with my two best friends, I imagined what our spare bedroom would transform into, I researched foldable strollers that would be easy to carry on the subway. ⁠

I looked at my work schedule and made plans for my team to take over summer events (I am a wedding planner) since I would be due, I wanted to give myself a couple of months to recover and be with my baby.⁠

My husband emailed his work telling him he may not be able to work in the summer as we wanted to be with me and our new family, I cleaned out closets, imagined what my belly would look like months from now and we talked about sharing the news with our family at Thanksgiving.⁠

The thought of miscarriage crossed my mind, I read 1 and 4 women and 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage but I thought the odds were in my favour.⁠

We walked into the doctor’s office for our first appointment (6 weeks pregnant), many “congratulations” filled the room, I was excited to understand what was going on inside my body, especially since I was tired, bloated, extremely hungry and thirsty, I wanted to see for my own eyes.⁠

…and there it was and there we heard a tiny little heartbeat, we both teared up, holding each other’s hands, kind of in disbelief that this was happening for real.⁠

My doctor told me to come back the following week (at 7 weeks), I thought since I was 35 that was routine, I didn’t think anything of it.⁠

I told my husband he didn’t have to come to that appointment since it would be similar to what it was the week before. ⁠

Things happened in the same order, many congratulations filled the room and there it was, but this time the room was silent, I still naively didn’t think anything of it, I thought maybe the volume wasn’t up or they were checking for something different.

But when it was over, my doctor told me there wasn’t a heartbeat….and I’m not sure what she said after that.

I don’t remember crying at the moment, I asked her what the next steps were and she told me to put on my clothes and meet her in her office…once I was alone is when I fell to pieces.

The doctor gave me my options to

1. Wait two weeks to miscarry on my own (could cause infection)
2. Take pills to induce the miscarriage (might be very painful)
3. D&C (which would be a quick but invasive surgery)

every story matters

The Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Centre is a non-profit registered charity that helps families connect to support on their path to healing after pregnancy or infant loss.  Families like yours can work with us and get support with a variety of services that hold space for your unique story. No matter at what stage of your parenthood journey you find yourself, your story will be heard here.

If you are ready to share your story, or you need help with your journey, get in touch with us.

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