In the summer of 2014, I miscarried on my first round of IVF. I was trying to carry my first baby, my first surrogacy, my first pregnancy. I was so excited to be pregnant, to know that a tiny life was growing inside me, to birth a baby. To be a (non-parenting) Mama. I was so excited to give my Intended parents their baby, my first biological child.
And during NYC pride, I lost the Baby.
It was ironic to be in a city full of celebration while I was sobbing on the phone to my doctor. I ended up almost completely alone, my friends in NYC not understanding the magnitude of my miscarriage. There were parades to attend, lovers to see, parties to enjoy. I said I was okay. I said it was no big deal.
I lied. To my friends and most especially to myself. I wasn’t ok. It was a big deal. I lost the baby. I wasn’t okay.
The doctor on call said to wait and see if it was just breakthrough bleeding. We could do blood work and an ultrasound on Monday. But I knew. As I bled and bled, as cramps hit me in waves, I knew. That baby was gone. The cramps didn’t hurt compared to what my heart felt. I hated every bit of my body. It had betrayed me. I was broken. I was a failure. Guilt. Shame. Profound, sickening grief. Our baby was gone.
Every year around pride, I remember a little bit less of the details… but the feelings never totally go away. The grief for the little one we will never know hurts less, but isn’t gone. I love my sons so very much and I am tremendously grateful for them. And also, I will always have that piece in me that feels what it was like to lose a baby….
I want people to know: miscarriage is NOT rare
IVF is not fail-proof
It’s okay to talk about that(In fact I will hold space for your story if you want to tell it)
You aren’t broken
This is not a cosmic sign you shouldn’t be a parent, you are enough. You are worthy
It’s okay if you never “get over it”
It’s okay if you decide never to try again
It’s okay if you decide to try again- you are loved. You are so Loved….
Thank you @birthwithpride for #sharingmystoryofloss with us
With Pride
every story matters
The Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Centre is a non-profit registered charity that helps families connect to support on their path to healing after pregnancy or infant loss. Families like yours can work with us and get support with a variety of services that hold space for your unique story. No matter at what stage of your parenthood journey you find yourself, your story will be heard here.
If you are ready to share your story, or you need help with your journey, get in touch with us.
For more stories like this, visit our Stories of Loss page
or visit #sharingmystoryofloss on Instagram
We are dedicated to supporting individuals of all faiths, ethnicities, sexual orientations, and gender identities. In the spirit of reconciliation, we acknowledge that we live, work and play on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Confederacy (Siksika, Kainai, Piikani), the Tsuut’ina, the Îyâxe Nakoda Nations, the Métis Nation (Region 3), and all people who make their homes in the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta.